Five pragmatic tools to become a nonanxious presence: Tips and tricks for being a mindful counselor

Originally published by Counseling Today. Click here for original post.

One of the most uplifting and powerful things counselors can do for their clients is to become a “nonanxious presence.” The term, originally coined by Jewish Rabbi and family therapist Edwin Friedman, is used to describe an individual who provides a calm, cool, focused and collected environment that empowers others to be relaxed.

This can be especially helpful for clients who have varying levels of anxiety, are in crisis or share information that could be traumatizing. By being a nonanxious presence, the counselor can model emotional regulation and invite clients to see that there is more than the anxiety or other feelings they may be experiencing.

As a counselor-in-training and certified empowerment coach, here are the five pragmatic tools that I use in my own practice.

1) Don’t buy in to the story; it only makes your client a victim.

Everyone has a story about life. They use this story to determine who they are, where they are from, who they hope to become and all the difficulties they have overcome. As counselors, we must acknowledge the stories our clients share and the significance they assign to these stories. However, we must further consider how clients may use these stories to limit themselves and give up control in their life. If, as counselors, we allow ourselves to be swept into the story, we do a disservice to our clients and allow them to serve in the role of victim.

How does that apply to being a nonanxious presence? By not buying into the story and the role your clients have assigned themselves, you invite them to see the story from a different perspective. When you resist the urge to emotionally join their story, you are able to see all the ways in which their story is playing out in their daily lives. You, as counselor, are then free to identify patterns of behavior and gain insight into clients’ lives, thus empowering them to create something greater than they currently have.

2) Be you and trust your training.

As a counselor-in-training myself, it seems the hardest thing to remember is to be yourself and to trust your training. Many times, we can be swept up in what we must “do” as counselors and fail to connect with the client. If we get caught up in the information we must gather, the treatment goals we are measuring and the skills or techniques we plan to implement, we may miss the opportunity to make a true connection, which so many people are missing in their lives.

The most influential measure of success in counseling is the client-counselor relationship. Have you ever noticed that some of your best sessions take place when you are willing to simply be present with your clients and let go of using a specific technique? How different might your practice be if you were willing to just be you, had faith that you possess the training you need and allowed yourself to meet the client in the here and now? Truly being present with yourself also invites your clients to be with themselves and to lower their barriers. In the process, you become the nonanxious presence that allows for greater change in clients’ lives.

3) Empower your clients to know that nothing is personal.

Take a moment and consider a time when you experienced difficulty in a relationship, either romantically or otherwise. How differently might you have reacted to the event if you had known it wasn’t personal? This is another tool I use as a nonanxious presence with my clients. I empower them to know that nothing they have experienced or believe was done to them is personal.

This approach can be particularly helpful when dealing with abuse, trauma or relationship problems that arise in session. Clients can sometimes use their abuse or trauma as a coping skill to ensure that no one is able to get that close to them again. It is a means for them to know they have control and will not allow more abuse in the future. Reframing your clients’ perspective to “it wasn’t personal” invites them to see where they were a convenient target for the other person to release what they were experiencing. When individuals choose to abuse someone, they seldom consider who the other person is; quite frankly, they are just looking to relieve whatever level of stress, anxiety or other feeling they are experiencing.

When using this tool with your clients, it is important to have a strong rapport and relationship with them because challenging someone’s view on abuse can be difficult for the person to accept. If you are able to empower your clients to see that nothing is personal, however, it opens the door for them to separate themselves from the abuse or trauma and to begin the healing process.

4) Practice having an interesting point of view about everything.

The greatest tool I have learned from my training with Access Consciousness is to practice having an interesting point of view about everything. An interesting point of view is the place where you can hear, see or become aware of anything without judgment.

As counselors, we receive training in cultural competency and learn the importance of maintaining an environment of nonjudgment with our clients. This is exactly what invites our clients to trust, share and be present with us in session.

How many times have you been judged? How did that make you feel or react? Now imagine if you were sharing the most intimate parts of your life and became aware that someone had a point of view about you? I am not saying that counselors should not be observant and make notice of things taking place in session, but we must be willing to put our points of view aside and be with our clients.

Another way to use this tool is to teach our clients that they can also have an interesting point of view in any area of their own life. This can help them detach from the high level of emotions that prevent them from going beyond the problem. What might this approach add to your daily life inside and outside of your counseling practice?

5) Ask questions, never give answers.

As counselors, we can fall into the habit of dispensing advice. As someone who studied for a few years as a life coach, one of the greatest tools I used was to always ask questions and never to give answers. As a nonanxious presence, you can empower your clients by asking questions that allow them to see what is true in their lives.

Depending on your clients’ level of cognition, the use of this tool can lead to greater levels of healing and insight into their choices in life. It also helps to eliminate the possibility of setting up the counselor as the “power” in the relationship and prevents clients from developing a high level of dependency. As counselors, we must allow our clients to see their difficulties from a different light and empower them to trust in themselves.

Questions always empower clients, whereas providing “answers” disempowers clients. Acknowledge that your clients are the experts in their own lives; we, as counselors, are simply a resource they can use to gain new information.

Many of us who choose this profession believe we are called to serve others or have the ability to make a difference in the world. If you truly embrace your role as a nonanxious presence in the lives of your clients and the power this can have to create change, I firmly believe that you will have a rewarding career. What if you were willing to not simply diagnose and treat your clients but to empower them to live their best lives? What if you were willing to acknowledge the gift that you are and the ability you have to invite something greater to exist on the planet? We often hear that “human beings are messy.” What if you being you, as a nonanxious presence, is exactly what is required to begin untangling the mess?